The Story of My Heart Part II

This is Part II.

It's was a wonderful relationship. People around us would go "Hey! get married already!" or "It's about time for both of you to settle down". I felt awesome when people said that. I feel proud of myself. Not everyone can be in a relationship that long. If we just did what they asked us to do, I don't think this would happen. Don't you think?

But then again. Things happen. It's against our will. As much as I want to go on, I just can't because I'm just tired. Honestly. I got bored. I don't know. I just don't feel it anymore. I bet he felt the same way too. If he's not, he won't be asking for 'space'. We are having a long distance relationship, FYI, and it is so illogical for him to ask for MORE space than we are having now. So I decided to quit. It's pretty much easier. Nothing can be settle when we are far apart. All we do, every time we're having argument is avoid each other.

It has been that way for a very long time. I bet we both tried our best to just look over it and pretend like everything's fine when actually, our relationship was just about to break. We tried. We did. Just like everyone else.

Shits happen, they said. True.

Thinking of the dream I had last night. We were in a room, and I looked at him. We stare at each other and he moved away. He left. Yes, he left.

Even in a dream, we decided to end this. I bet there's no way that we will return back together in the future. If we do, it must be fate. If. The probability? Unknown.

I would really want to say 'thank you' to him for being there for me for the past 10 years. He's a great friend. The one who would listen to everything - my complaints, my nagging, my story, my jokes, my wishes, my dreams. THANK YOU.

And I am truly sorry this is how it has to end between us. I'm just glad it didn't end because of a third person anyway. But things are better this way for both of us. Let's live well and be healthy. If we can't be friends, it's okay. I don't think that would be a good idea too. 

Just take care. I loved you, and still I love you today. It takes time to make if fade away. 

The Story of My Heart Part I

It's 9:25am local time.

I was on my bed thinking and I though that I had to get up and say it out.

As I said it on Twitter, "if you kept it all locked inside, your heart will eventually burst". I am not the kind of person who would easily throw my heart out to someone. Not even my closest friends. Not even to my parents. Not even to my sisters. I just can't because I don't know how to start. And because I joke around a lot, laugh a lot, that I tend to cover everything up with my laughter. Nobody should know.

But really. This is too painful.

I don't know how many times have I cried alone in my room just because it's too painful to think about. Yes. Breaking up isn't easy. And I don't feel like breaking up. I feel like I just got divorced. 10 years is a long year.

It's kinda dramatic when things happen so fast right after we celebrated (literally) our 10th anniversary. It's kinda embarrassing when I bragged about everything in my June 20th's entry. All that I said was true. Just that not everything that we planned happen as we wanted them to happen.

As I sat here, I can't stop but thinking about the first year. Everything was good. I was 18. I was a happy girl that have a wonderful boyfriend. I was young. We were. I never felt so in love. Well of course since he was the first one that I gave my heart to.

Time passed by so fast. People said the 6th and 7th year was the most challenging year in a relationship. I don't know if it's reliable or not but yes, we did had a great argument. As much as he hated me to say her name but "Jacklyn" or "Jacqueline" (which ever spelling her name was) I just can't forget the moment. We had a big fight over that. He just wouldn't talk about it until today. He said they were just friends but she told me a different side of  the story. I was shaken because this is something he shouldn't do the first place.

I felt betrayed. Of course I should. But then she told me. Something that I still can remember clearly in my head. "You can't take care of your man, that is why he is after me". I don't know if I ever told him about this but I felt like someone just stabbed me on the back. I hope it wasn't something that he TOLD her.

What if what she said is true? That  I was a bad girlfriend. But if I WAS a bad girlfriend, do you still think that I would forgive him and go this far?

I have a trust issue. It has become a 'major' issue since that day. I'm sorry but I can't take it twice.

We had a great moments. Great memories. We were the best of friends. We laugh a lot.

But things had gone the opposite now. As much as I wanted to talk more about it, I can't help but thinking that this would be the most boring entry I ever wrote. But

I'll come back with Part II.

I'm living my life.

This photo was taken by my cousin, Edwin. This is my father's house (well, our home) in Ba' Kelalan. I grew up in Lawas by the way and only visit "kampung" (village) once in a year. My father said it is important to have a big house since we have a very large family. I agree. 

My father obviously worked very hard to build this for us. I'm very proud of him. People keep saying that our house is too big. It is big but I don't think it is big enough for 7 kids plus grandchildren to stay in for school holidays. -___-" We only have 5 bedrooms anyway.

People who knows my father would say " you're lucky. You come from a wealthy family". Most of the time I would just smile as an answer. Why? They don't know. They only see things. They saw our houses. The knew about our properties and all. Trust me. Lawas is too small. So words go around very fast. But still, they don't know. When I was 7, I stayed in hostel just because Kid no 5 and 6 were there to take care of me while my parents went away to work. I never really stayed with my parents during my teenage years. When I went to high school, they sent me to stay in the hostel til I was 17 too. Why? We don't have a car. Bus or van's fee was expensive. Kid no 5 and 6 went to different school. So they need more money. I didn't complain though. At that age, I was happy cos I can spend more time with my friends.

Have I told you that my parents never celebrate my birthday? Well. That's the truth. I didn't care until the day I saw my friend's album. A picture of her (since she was a year old) up to that day, she always have her birthday photos. Memories. That's what I don't have. Then I realized. I'm living a different kind of life. Wealthy family? That's not how I see it. How can a wealthy family can't afford to celebrate birthdays? We're not poor either. We're just living our life. Just living it. 

I felt sad once a while thinking of all the memories I should have. The photos that I never took.

My parents work hard anyway. Birthdays aren't important. I told myself. I may not have the memories but I'm living a good, blessed, simple life, well, that's good enough. Therefore, when people praises our family, I only answer them with a smile. I have nothing to brag about. I have nothing to tell them. 

Today, I've made a promise. For my future children, I'm gonna make sure they'll have a plenty of memories of their childhood and I'm gonna be next to them all the way. Not that my childhood was bad. My parents have their ways, and I'm gonna have my own.

Have You Found Your Perfect Job?

As I was sitting in the staff room today I did a little bit of thinking. Have i found a perfect job? I know what I am doing now is temporary but who knows if this is what God lead me to, I can't say no right? But really, I am hoping for other job to come along as well.

Having a perfect job for me means doing something that makes you happy and you're happy to do it not only for the money. Some people might think 'a job' is only a job. As long as you make money from it, it doesn't matter. Now tell me, are you willing to so something that doesn't even give you happiness and you can't even enjoy doing so? I can't live like that. A job is not only a job. How can you put a quality in your work if you can't even enjoy preparing or doing it? 

I know, money is important. Especially when you have a family to feed. You're the one who's going to do the job for years anyway, do you really think you can stand the "unhappiness" that long? :/ Due to the increase in the level of unemployment in my country, most graduated students took the easy way out. It's good not to be choosy, but it's funny when the teaching line has become very popular among them. Graduated engineering students ended up as a Bahasa teacher, graduated in management ended up as a Science teacher and etc. Not that i'm saying they are not qualified but it's a shame though, when you choose a different working line with what you have studied and it's a lost in some ways since you can't practice what you have learnt. 

If you're asking me, it is all the power of money. Yep. But recently the government has been very strict about the application of graduated students into the education line. It's a really wise step taken by them to protect the quality of the education somehow.

There are so many other job opportunities but I guess the numbers of the unemployed are higher than the job opportunities itself. As for me, I'm still looking around. Just like other parents, my dad thinks that teaching is my thing but I disagree. I studied administrative science and I would like to apply what I have learnt. At least. Not that I dislike teaching or kids that much, I love teaching but I think I still need to look around and find something that related to my study. 

Maybe. Just maybe. If I have no luck in looking for the job that I want in 3 years, I might come back as a teacher, just like the others. 

I didn't say it was wrong the first place anyway. It's just the way it is. LOL

But, if you really want a perfect job you just have to love what you got. That's the only way to be happy until the day you retire! If it's not perfect at first, you can MAKE it perfect later! ^^

Good luck! :)

And hey. I'm just saying.

I Don't See Why

Second chance might sound acceptable. Most people would regret what they did or say. But third or more chances on the same thing or situation? I don't see why we need to. You see, second chance means second chance. You did wrong you got the second try to make it right? Like for third or more? Pfft You need to change or else. 

I don't see why we need to jump into someone else's business. Like it's not even related to you. And why would you be so busy saying this and that and make things worst. And I don't see why, some people would say bad things about others. Like thinking they're so perfect and all. I mean, I've been into situation when people bad mouthing me in my back while act innocent in my face. It's okay. I'm not a type of person that would want to attack someone like that anyway. I bet they regret it now since I pay no attention to them. The best way to attack them is with kindness. The need no fist or slap, they need love. HAHAHA

And I don't see why we need to treat animal badly. I am an animal lover. I can't see stray dogs or cats. It broke my heart. And in one situation, I heard about a religious man who just packed their kittens(4 of them) in a plastic bag and swing them into the river. I was like 'WTF?' His reason, they can't have more cats. But seriously, can't he just send them away to somewhere safe rather than killing them? It's just not right. I can't sleep the day I heard the news. I can't even look at the man's face without having the picture of him and the kittens.

I don't see why we need to work to gain cash! Argh. Can't we just stay at home and got paid? LOL I see the life of heiress like Paris Hilton is kinda cool when all you do is just spend cash. I'm doing teaching now and i'm like a replacement teacher. It's a job that requires skills and training and I have none so it is rather difficult for me to grab the attention of 7 years old kiddies. Struggling to make money they say. Oh yes it's true.

I have a lot more I don't know why questions in my head. If I go on, you'll get bored reading. 

Do you have any doubt? Or questions? Let me know. I'm out for now.

My Sarawak.

If you're wondering where on earth Sarawak is, HERE. I'm gonna provide you with a map that I have found on google ^^

What I love about Sarawak is definitely the multi-ethnic/racial society. In Sarawak, we have the Dayaks, Malays, Chinese, Indians,Orang Ulu, Melanau and a lot more. I am a Lun Bawang myself which is from the Orang Ulu group.You see Sarawak is a very colorful state :) 

During one of our Faculty Annual Dinner back in 2010, the theme for the evening was 1Malaysia in which me and my friends decided to wear our own traditional costumes. Check out some of the photos which I really love to see because it is so colorful!

Me in white and i'm wearing a Lun Bawang traditional costume :) And all of us are representing different ethnics. I'm loving this picture. <3

These people are actually my seniors. They are all wearing different costumes too. Weehoo!!

So that's me in white. Roza (next to me) is wearing her Iban traditional costume, Angie in her Kayan costume, Shelley in a Chinese cheongsam and both of my Malay friends are wearing Malays traditional costume which are the kebaya and baju kurung.

And this one, my friend Jill (skinny one) is wearing a Dusun traditional costume (or Kadazan? Please correct me if I'm wrong). Well, she's from Sabah. :) Her friend is wearing a Bidayuh (Dayak) traditional costume. Colorful right?

I have more pictures but the internet connection is pretty slow tonight :/

Sarawak is a cool place to visit i must say. Other than their wonderful costumes and multi racial society, we have different kind of food too. Some are exotic foods that you can never find in any other state or even country.To experience Sarawak, you must come to visit and see for yourself! :)

WE, Sarawakian welcomes you anytime!

Blogging in English?

Correct me if i'm wrong, blogging is for everyone right? Not that I heard negative things about how you need to be gifted to write your own blog but a lot of people tend to think that way. Isn't it? Like you need to have a perfection in some ways to write good entries. If you wanna write in English for instance, you need to be able to write PERFECTLY like making no mistakes in grammar and all. I mean, I'm not majoring in English when I studied in university, we don't converse in English at home and English is not the first language in my country too. BUT I am willing to try to say something for everyone to read, understood and can relate to. I don't see language as a barrier in blogging UNLESS you're writing in your own language .Like everyone are perfect at it. :) But not anyone can understand so it's shutting down the communication tunnel. And that's bad :/

If you notice, I'm only using simple English, I've made grammar mistakes here and there. You see MY entries are not perfect :) But I bet you understood what I'm saying right? *or you can't relate t all?* :/ Hmm not your fault. Maybe I need to practice more.

I'm blogging not because I want everyone to read, I'm doing this to express myself and to improve anything that I am lack of. Not everything you feel comfortable telling someone you know, sometimes, right? So here I am complaining, nagging, dreaming!! 

HAHA

So now peeps, don't hold back. Especially for people from countries where English is only used as second or third language. We can always try to express ourselves. People may criticized us with our imperfections just don't stop. We're improving us, ourselves, not them.

Keep blogging. Keep sharing.