GOTTA GO FOR THIS ONE DAY

THIS IS THE PLAN

The price of being a Grade A student. (Not me)

If I were given a second chance to go back to the past and fix mistakes, I would. 

Wouldn't it be nice? I would go back to the time I was at my laziest at school and smack my own head and say, "Go read book and study, silly! I know your future. You ain't going anywhere being lazy like this." Yeah. Maybe then, I would realize. 

For all my life, I always wanted to see the world. Being a Grade A student would've been a good help though. Got to travel on scholarship. Bahaha :P I would've pick overseas university instead of the local ones. Took medic instead of admin, engineering perhaps. *sigh* Was too sleepy during Math & Science class anyway.

Not like I don't appreciate what I am having now. But it would've been nicer to be able to live my young life that way. Learning about other culture, people and food within that period. Cause once you got older, at certain limit, all you can think of is commitment. Work. Family. You just can't feel the passion anymore.

So for those young people, don't give up trying. Give your best. Go out and see the world. If you ain't got money, you got scholarship :P  what you'll get back is EXPERIENCE and fun plus, a degree or a master some more. Go explore.

If you got the passion, but you're too lazy to study make sure you have a body of a model. Perhaps you can try to be an international "flight steward/stewardess" instead. That works too. 

As for me. I have not enough cash. Not a Grade A student. Not even eligible to apply as a flight stewardess too. So.......

Don't live with regrets like me :) Go out and PLAY!

**saying all this after seeing my doctor,childhood friend's photos who is currently living in Ireland :3

Have a nice day! xo

I am really getting old.

As the title said it.

*sigh*

This year. Late 20's. I mean, I am (OBVIOUSLY) at the edge!

*sigh*

I keep telling people I wasn't afraid to grow old.

"Age is just a number" thing.

Man. This does freaks me out a little.

:3

I really need to shorten my wish list this year OR advance everything up. 

Gosh. 

Just crazy.  

The Story of My Heart Part II

This is Part II.

It's was a wonderful relationship. People around us would go "Hey! get married already!" or "It's about time for both of you to settle down". I felt awesome when people said that. I feel proud of myself. Not everyone can be in a relationship that long. If we just did what they asked us to do, I don't think this would happen. Don't you think?

But then again. Things happen. It's against our will. As much as I want to go on, I just can't because I'm just tired. Honestly. I got bored. I don't know. I just don't feel it anymore. I bet he felt the same way too. If he's not, he won't be asking for 'space'. We are having a long distance relationship, FYI, and it is so illogical for him to ask for MORE space than we are having now. So I decided to quit. It's pretty much easier. Nothing can be settle when we are far apart. All we do, every time we're having argument is avoid each other.

It has been that way for a very long time. I bet we both tried our best to just look over it and pretend like everything's fine when actually, our relationship was just about to break. We tried. We did. Just like everyone else.

Shits happen, they said. True.

Thinking of the dream I had last night. We were in a room, and I looked at him. We stare at each other and he moved away. He left. Yes, he left.

Even in a dream, we decided to end this. I bet there's no way that we will return back together in the future. If we do, it must be fate. If. The probability? Unknown.

I would really want to say 'thank you' to him for being there for me for the past 10 years. He's a great friend. The one who would listen to everything - my complaints, my nagging, my story, my jokes, my wishes, my dreams. THANK YOU.

And I am truly sorry this is how it has to end between us. I'm just glad it didn't end because of a third person anyway. But things are better this way for both of us. Let's live well and be healthy. If we can't be friends, it's okay. I don't think that would be a good idea too. 

Just take care. I loved you, and still I love you today. It takes time to make if fade away. 

The Story of My Heart Part I

It's 9:25am local time.

I was on my bed thinking and I though that I had to get up and say it out.

As I said it on Twitter, "if you kept it all locked inside, your heart will eventually burst". I am not the kind of person who would easily throw my heart out to someone. Not even my closest friends. Not even to my parents. Not even to my sisters. I just can't because I don't know how to start. And because I joke around a lot, laugh a lot, that I tend to cover everything up with my laughter. Nobody should know.

But really. This is too painful.

I don't know how many times have I cried alone in my room just because it's too painful to think about. Yes. Breaking up isn't easy. And I don't feel like breaking up. I feel like I just got divorced. 10 years is a long year.

It's kinda dramatic when things happen so fast right after we celebrated (literally) our 10th anniversary. It's kinda embarrassing when I bragged about everything in my June 20th's entry. All that I said was true. Just that not everything that we planned happen as we wanted them to happen.

As I sat here, I can't stop but thinking about the first year. Everything was good. I was 18. I was a happy girl that have a wonderful boyfriend. I was young. We were. I never felt so in love. Well of course since he was the first one that I gave my heart to.

Time passed by so fast. People said the 6th and 7th year was the most challenging year in a relationship. I don't know if it's reliable or not but yes, we did had a great argument. As much as he hated me to say her name but "Jacklyn" or "Jacqueline" (which ever spelling her name was) I just can't forget the moment. We had a big fight over that. He just wouldn't talk about it until today. He said they were just friends but she told me a different side of  the story. I was shaken because this is something he shouldn't do the first place.

I felt betrayed. Of course I should. But then she told me. Something that I still can remember clearly in my head. "You can't take care of your man, that is why he is after me". I don't know if I ever told him about this but I felt like someone just stabbed me on the back. I hope it wasn't something that he TOLD her.

What if what she said is true? That  I was a bad girlfriend. But if I WAS a bad girlfriend, do you still think that I would forgive him and go this far?

I have a trust issue. It has become a 'major' issue since that day. I'm sorry but I can't take it twice.

We had a great moments. Great memories. We were the best of friends. We laugh a lot.

But things had gone the opposite now. As much as I wanted to talk more about it, I can't help but thinking that this would be the most boring entry I ever wrote. But

I'll come back with Part II.

A Tale of Me : Appreciated. Not.

How funny it is to hope for something to happen when in reality it's not going to happen. Maybe it's because I am a Pisces, I tend to dream a lot and I imagine things that I want to happen instead of living  in the reality world. When they said men are from Mars, women are from Venus, they really DID their homework on that. 

I don't think both sexes will EVER be able to understand each other. 

As I stated before, I am just a person who is living my life. If I put it on a graph, you won't see anything interesting. For 10 years, just like my birthdays, my boyfriend and I never celebrated our anniversary together. For 10 years, I only received a flower ONCE during Valentine's Day. On my birthdays as usual, I never got any birthday surprises or even a birthday cake.

Why? I just wonder why.

Am I not allowed to celebrate ANYTHING in my life? 

Is it because I am used to this, my boyfriend thinks that I wouldn't mind if we don't do anything special on a special day? (Or maybe he thought I should get my own cake or something?)

Well,I do mind. I wish someone would appreciate me. I wish for someone to do something special for me. I wish that I can have something that I can say and remember and keep as a memory. 

Am I complaining now? Maybe. I'm just. I don't know.. Not happy perhaps? Not satisfied? Or the world is just being unfair to me?

I lost my self confidence just because I think nobody thinks I'm special. No matter how well I did in my studies, no matter how loyal I've been in my relationship, no matter how many years I've tried to survive. In the end I just felt like the only person who would cheers for me is. ME.

Somehow, I may not win the affections and loves from people around me but it's okay. I can't go telling them to do something for me or even worse to tell them to appreciate me because wo~ho~hoo that is just - insane. 

I bet God listened and understood. I may lost my confidence but I believe He doesn't want me to give up no matter how hard the situation may become in the future. 

Hey, I still have to live for myself right? Nobody appreciates me? It's okay. I have ME.

I'm just saying.

Dream, They Said.

They said, to achieve something you need to dream. Dream will make you set a goal or target and you will see it as something that you want to have or do. Therefore, we need to dream.

But I don't think that works for me. I mean. I am a dreamer. A super dreamer. Day and night. But my dreams are somewhat pretty ridiculous to be said or share (-..-')v HEH. I dream big. Bigger than you can possibly imagine right now. You can't never guess what's on my mind unless you're a PSYCHIC! Bahahahaha :P

They said, shoot for the moon and land among the stars?? (is this correct or I'm messing up with a popular saying?) But like seriously? -,- Are they out of their minds? That's impossible. *look who's talking* I mean. If you wanna dream you have to "agak-agak" la sikit nak.. Sik la alu mok UP giaa..Bahaya ya mun sik tercapai. What if you can't achieve it, can you settle for the second best? You need to think carefully before you set your aim. Gotta know your ability too right?

They said, you need to follow your dream. In my case, can I REALLY follow mine? Hmm As I mention before, my dreams are just ridiculous. So I am not sure if it is safe to be followed! hahahaha Yes. I need to "agak-agak" too. Mun sik mampu, sikboh mimpi di siang hari :'D At least la..we got something to say right? Like "Hey, I'm gonna go to Korea one day and I'm gonna have the 2PM boys to be my personal guide" <---- some of my ridiculous dream. LOLOL Now you see why my dreams are most likely to be the most impossible to happen? 

Anyway, they said, Dreams will come true. You know, they might be right at certain point. Like if you work hard enough you'll get what you want. But a dream without an effort, and most importantly asking God's blessing through prayers can lead to nothing. For me, personally, if i really want something I would just pray for it and let God decide whether it is mine to have or not. If it doesn't come my way means it's not the right time or I'm just asking too much. :D Like how can it be possible to ask Him to make sure I get married to GD and not my current boyfriend now? <---- #2 ridiculous dream. Hahahaha

Well what I want to say is. Set your aim. Dream. See your ability. Effort. Pray. And with God's will you'll get what you want :) And Patience. Yes, good things doesn't come rolling to you. No matter how long you need to wait, if you want it, it doesn't matter if it took you forever to achieve it right?

Hey. I'm just saying ;)