A Tale of Me : Appreciated. Not.

How funny it is to hope for something to happen when in reality it's not going to happen. Maybe it's because I am a Pisces, I tend to dream a lot and I imagine things that I want to happen instead of living  in the reality world. When they said men are from Mars, women are from Venus, they really DID their homework on that. 

I don't think both sexes will EVER be able to understand each other. 

As I stated before, I am just a person who is living my life. If I put it on a graph, you won't see anything interesting. For 10 years, just like my birthdays, my boyfriend and I never celebrated our anniversary together. For 10 years, I only received a flower ONCE during Valentine's Day. On my birthdays as usual, I never got any birthday surprises or even a birthday cake.

Why? I just wonder why.

Am I not allowed to celebrate ANYTHING in my life? 

Is it because I am used to this, my boyfriend thinks that I wouldn't mind if we don't do anything special on a special day? (Or maybe he thought I should get my own cake or something?)

Well,I do mind. I wish someone would appreciate me. I wish for someone to do something special for me. I wish that I can have something that I can say and remember and keep as a memory. 

Am I complaining now? Maybe. I'm just. I don't know.. Not happy perhaps? Not satisfied? Or the world is just being unfair to me?

I lost my self confidence just because I think nobody thinks I'm special. No matter how well I did in my studies, no matter how loyal I've been in my relationship, no matter how many years I've tried to survive. In the end I just felt like the only person who would cheers for me is. ME.

Somehow, I may not win the affections and loves from people around me but it's okay. I can't go telling them to do something for me or even worse to tell them to appreciate me because wo~ho~hoo that is just - insane. 

I bet God listened and understood. I may lost my confidence but I believe He doesn't want me to give up no matter how hard the situation may become in the future. 

Hey, I still have to live for myself right? Nobody appreciates me? It's okay. I have ME.

I'm just saying.

I'm living my life.

This photo was taken by my cousin, Edwin. This is my father's house (well, our home) in Ba' Kelalan. I grew up in Lawas by the way and only visit "kampung" (village) once in a year. My father said it is important to have a big house since we have a very large family. I agree. 

My father obviously worked very hard to build this for us. I'm very proud of him. People keep saying that our house is too big. It is big but I don't think it is big enough for 7 kids plus grandchildren to stay in for school holidays. -___-" We only have 5 bedrooms anyway.

People who knows my father would say " you're lucky. You come from a wealthy family". Most of the time I would just smile as an answer. Why? They don't know. They only see things. They saw our houses. The knew about our properties and all. Trust me. Lawas is too small. So words go around very fast. But still, they don't know. When I was 7, I stayed in hostel just because Kid no 5 and 6 were there to take care of me while my parents went away to work. I never really stayed with my parents during my teenage years. When I went to high school, they sent me to stay in the hostel til I was 17 too. Why? We don't have a car. Bus or van's fee was expensive. Kid no 5 and 6 went to different school. So they need more money. I didn't complain though. At that age, I was happy cos I can spend more time with my friends.

Have I told you that my parents never celebrate my birthday? Well. That's the truth. I didn't care until the day I saw my friend's album. A picture of her (since she was a year old) up to that day, she always have her birthday photos. Memories. That's what I don't have. Then I realized. I'm living a different kind of life. Wealthy family? That's not how I see it. How can a wealthy family can't afford to celebrate birthdays? We're not poor either. We're just living our life. Just living it. 

I felt sad once a while thinking of all the memories I should have. The photos that I never took.

My parents work hard anyway. Birthdays aren't important. I told myself. I may not have the memories but I'm living a good, blessed, simple life, well, that's good enough. Therefore, when people praises our family, I only answer them with a smile. I have nothing to brag about. I have nothing to tell them. 

Today, I've made a promise. For my future children, I'm gonna make sure they'll have a plenty of memories of their childhood and I'm gonna be next to them all the way. Not that my childhood was bad. My parents have their ways, and I'm gonna have my own.

Never Had A Family Photo.

Yes, we never took a family photo. Not during Christmas. Not during Family Day. Definitely not during Father's or Mother's Day.

As I said before, I have a big family. My parents and 6 siblings. All "above" me which means I am the youngest. I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters. As far as I can remember, I hate being the youngest. Especially when you have MORE bosses *than regular youngest child ever had* ordering you around! Kid no.1, Kid no.2, Kid no. 3, Kid no. 4, Kid no. 5, Kid no. 6 and myself is Kid no. 7. This is how I label our self since saying their names are rather confusing :P

Growing up in my family, I really can't remember how is it like. My parents are always busy making money and from what I heard from Kid no. 3 (my sister), I am always left with her since I was a year old. Funny eh? Mom is always not around, dad never bother about anything else except making money to feed his 7 kids. I bet that is why we're not that close as a family. 

As I grow up, Kid no. 1 and 2 (my brothers) were sent off to other town to further their studies. So did most of them. Today, it's pretty awkward for us to talk with each other. I am only close with Kid no. 3 and 5 since they're my sister and Kid no. 6 (brother) since I grew with him. 

The reason why we never had a family photo is unclear. My dad said, it's because it is hard for us to have a family gathering. If 6 of us came home for a certain occasion, 1 might not be able to make it and it would be unfair for that one person. Somehow, the way I see it, even when all of us are at home during Christmas, no one bothers to come up with the 'family photo' session. I mean, I would have told them but who would listen to me? :3

Therefore, what I said is true. We never had a family photo. And I never celebrated my birthday as a child. Never. :)

I don't blame my parents. The money for the birthdays might as well use to buy foods for the whole family and their prayers throughout my childhood means a lot more than all the birthdays I've missed. :)

I just hope one day, we are able to take family photo and hang it on the wall just like every other families.