The Story of My Heart Part I

It's 9:25am local time.

I was on my bed thinking and I though that I had to get up and say it out.

As I said it on Twitter, "if you kept it all locked inside, your heart will eventually burst". I am not the kind of person who would easily throw my heart out to someone. Not even my closest friends. Not even to my parents. Not even to my sisters. I just can't because I don't know how to start. And because I joke around a lot, laugh a lot, that I tend to cover everything up with my laughter. Nobody should know.

But really. This is too painful.

I don't know how many times have I cried alone in my room just because it's too painful to think about. Yes. Breaking up isn't easy. And I don't feel like breaking up. I feel like I just got divorced. 10 years is a long year.

It's kinda dramatic when things happen so fast right after we celebrated (literally) our 10th anniversary. It's kinda embarrassing when I bragged about everything in my June 20th's entry. All that I said was true. Just that not everything that we planned happen as we wanted them to happen.

As I sat here, I can't stop but thinking about the first year. Everything was good. I was 18. I was a happy girl that have a wonderful boyfriend. I was young. We were. I never felt so in love. Well of course since he was the first one that I gave my heart to.

Time passed by so fast. People said the 6th and 7th year was the most challenging year in a relationship. I don't know if it's reliable or not but yes, we did had a great argument. As much as he hated me to say her name but "Jacklyn" or "Jacqueline" (which ever spelling her name was) I just can't forget the moment. We had a big fight over that. He just wouldn't talk about it until today. He said they were just friends but she told me a different side of  the story. I was shaken because this is something he shouldn't do the first place.

I felt betrayed. Of course I should. But then she told me. Something that I still can remember clearly in my head. "You can't take care of your man, that is why he is after me". I don't know if I ever told him about this but I felt like someone just stabbed me on the back. I hope it wasn't something that he TOLD her.

What if what she said is true? That  I was a bad girlfriend. But if I WAS a bad girlfriend, do you still think that I would forgive him and go this far?

I have a trust issue. It has become a 'major' issue since that day. I'm sorry but I can't take it twice.

We had a great moments. Great memories. We were the best of friends. We laugh a lot.

But things had gone the opposite now. As much as I wanted to talk more about it, I can't help but thinking that this would be the most boring entry I ever wrote. But

I'll come back with Part II.

I Am Okay.

Printer got stuck. Electricity is out. Works are piling up. One is half way done but I can't do much since I can't print them out -.- Anddd best part is, I need to show them to the supervisor today. Pfft


So what am I gonna do?


Why July? Why are you being like this to me?


Was about to cry but then I decided not to. So I prayed. 


I think I am okay with this cos there are more people out there who are facing a more difficult time.


Yes. I am okay.

A Tale of Me : Appreciated. Not.

How funny it is to hope for something to happen when in reality it's not going to happen. Maybe it's because I am a Pisces, I tend to dream a lot and I imagine things that I want to happen instead of living  in the reality world. When they said men are from Mars, women are from Venus, they really DID their homework on that. 

I don't think both sexes will EVER be able to understand each other. 

As I stated before, I am just a person who is living my life. If I put it on a graph, you won't see anything interesting. For 10 years, just like my birthdays, my boyfriend and I never celebrated our anniversary together. For 10 years, I only received a flower ONCE during Valentine's Day. On my birthdays as usual, I never got any birthday surprises or even a birthday cake.

Why? I just wonder why.

Am I not allowed to celebrate ANYTHING in my life? 

Is it because I am used to this, my boyfriend thinks that I wouldn't mind if we don't do anything special on a special day? (Or maybe he thought I should get my own cake or something?)

Well,I do mind. I wish someone would appreciate me. I wish for someone to do something special for me. I wish that I can have something that I can say and remember and keep as a memory. 

Am I complaining now? Maybe. I'm just. I don't know.. Not happy perhaps? Not satisfied? Or the world is just being unfair to me?

I lost my self confidence just because I think nobody thinks I'm special. No matter how well I did in my studies, no matter how loyal I've been in my relationship, no matter how many years I've tried to survive. In the end I just felt like the only person who would cheers for me is. ME.

Somehow, I may not win the affections and loves from people around me but it's okay. I can't go telling them to do something for me or even worse to tell them to appreciate me because wo~ho~hoo that is just - insane. 

I bet God listened and understood. I may lost my confidence but I believe He doesn't want me to give up no matter how hard the situation may become in the future. 

Hey, I still have to live for myself right? Nobody appreciates me? It's okay. I have ME.

I'm just saying.

Never Had A Family Photo.

Yes, we never took a family photo. Not during Christmas. Not during Family Day. Definitely not during Father's or Mother's Day.

As I said before, I have a big family. My parents and 6 siblings. All "above" me which means I am the youngest. I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters. As far as I can remember, I hate being the youngest. Especially when you have MORE bosses *than regular youngest child ever had* ordering you around! Kid no.1, Kid no.2, Kid no. 3, Kid no. 4, Kid no. 5, Kid no. 6 and myself is Kid no. 7. This is how I label our self since saying their names are rather confusing :P

Growing up in my family, I really can't remember how is it like. My parents are always busy making money and from what I heard from Kid no. 3 (my sister), I am always left with her since I was a year old. Funny eh? Mom is always not around, dad never bother about anything else except making money to feed his 7 kids. I bet that is why we're not that close as a family. 

As I grow up, Kid no. 1 and 2 (my brothers) were sent off to other town to further their studies. So did most of them. Today, it's pretty awkward for us to talk with each other. I am only close with Kid no. 3 and 5 since they're my sister and Kid no. 6 (brother) since I grew with him. 

The reason why we never had a family photo is unclear. My dad said, it's because it is hard for us to have a family gathering. If 6 of us came home for a certain occasion, 1 might not be able to make it and it would be unfair for that one person. Somehow, the way I see it, even when all of us are at home during Christmas, no one bothers to come up with the 'family photo' session. I mean, I would have told them but who would listen to me? :3

Therefore, what I said is true. We never had a family photo. And I never celebrated my birthday as a child. Never. :)

I don't blame my parents. The money for the birthdays might as well use to buy foods for the whole family and their prayers throughout my childhood means a lot more than all the birthdays I've missed. :)

I just hope one day, we are able to take family photo and hang it on the wall just like every other families.

Have You Found Your Perfect Job?

As I was sitting in the staff room today I did a little bit of thinking. Have i found a perfect job? I know what I am doing now is temporary but who knows if this is what God lead me to, I can't say no right? But really, I am hoping for other job to come along as well.

Having a perfect job for me means doing something that makes you happy and you're happy to do it not only for the money. Some people might think 'a job' is only a job. As long as you make money from it, it doesn't matter. Now tell me, are you willing to so something that doesn't even give you happiness and you can't even enjoy doing so? I can't live like that. A job is not only a job. How can you put a quality in your work if you can't even enjoy preparing or doing it? 

I know, money is important. Especially when you have a family to feed. You're the one who's going to do the job for years anyway, do you really think you can stand the "unhappiness" that long? :/ Due to the increase in the level of unemployment in my country, most graduated students took the easy way out. It's good not to be choosy, but it's funny when the teaching line has become very popular among them. Graduated engineering students ended up as a Bahasa teacher, graduated in management ended up as a Science teacher and etc. Not that i'm saying they are not qualified but it's a shame though, when you choose a different working line with what you have studied and it's a lost in some ways since you can't practice what you have learnt. 

If you're asking me, it is all the power of money. Yep. But recently the government has been very strict about the application of graduated students into the education line. It's a really wise step taken by them to protect the quality of the education somehow.

There are so many other job opportunities but I guess the numbers of the unemployed are higher than the job opportunities itself. As for me, I'm still looking around. Just like other parents, my dad thinks that teaching is my thing but I disagree. I studied administrative science and I would like to apply what I have learnt. At least. Not that I dislike teaching or kids that much, I love teaching but I think I still need to look around and find something that related to my study. 

Maybe. Just maybe. If I have no luck in looking for the job that I want in 3 years, I might come back as a teacher, just like the others. 

I didn't say it was wrong the first place anyway. It's just the way it is. LOL

But, if you really want a perfect job you just have to love what you got. That's the only way to be happy until the day you retire! If it's not perfect at first, you can MAKE it perfect later! ^^

Good luck! :)

And hey. I'm just saying.

Dream, They Said.

They said, to achieve something you need to dream. Dream will make you set a goal or target and you will see it as something that you want to have or do. Therefore, we need to dream.

But I don't think that works for me. I mean. I am a dreamer. A super dreamer. Day and night. But my dreams are somewhat pretty ridiculous to be said or share (-..-')v HEH. I dream big. Bigger than you can possibly imagine right now. You can't never guess what's on my mind unless you're a PSYCHIC! Bahahahaha :P

They said, shoot for the moon and land among the stars?? (is this correct or I'm messing up with a popular saying?) But like seriously? -,- Are they out of their minds? That's impossible. *look who's talking* I mean. If you wanna dream you have to "agak-agak" la sikit nak.. Sik la alu mok UP giaa..Bahaya ya mun sik tercapai. What if you can't achieve it, can you settle for the second best? You need to think carefully before you set your aim. Gotta know your ability too right?

They said, you need to follow your dream. In my case, can I REALLY follow mine? Hmm As I mention before, my dreams are just ridiculous. So I am not sure if it is safe to be followed! hahahaha Yes. I need to "agak-agak" too. Mun sik mampu, sikboh mimpi di siang hari :'D At least la..we got something to say right? Like "Hey, I'm gonna go to Korea one day and I'm gonna have the 2PM boys to be my personal guide" <---- some of my ridiculous dream. LOLOL Now you see why my dreams are most likely to be the most impossible to happen? 

Anyway, they said, Dreams will come true. You know, they might be right at certain point. Like if you work hard enough you'll get what you want. But a dream without an effort, and most importantly asking God's blessing through prayers can lead to nothing. For me, personally, if i really want something I would just pray for it and let God decide whether it is mine to have or not. If it doesn't come my way means it's not the right time or I'm just asking too much. :D Like how can it be possible to ask Him to make sure I get married to GD and not my current boyfriend now? <---- #2 ridiculous dream. Hahahaha

Well what I want to say is. Set your aim. Dream. See your ability. Effort. Pray. And with God's will you'll get what you want :) And Patience. Yes, good things doesn't come rolling to you. No matter how long you need to wait, if you want it, it doesn't matter if it took you forever to achieve it right?

Hey. I'm just saying ;)

When you feel like giving up, give Him a call.

Since I'm a k pop fan or you can say, alert about anything related with Korea entertainment industry, the suicide news of the blooming actress, Jung Ah Yool, is quite shocking. http://www.allkpop.com/2012/06/rookie-actress-jung-ah-yool-passes-away 

How i wish she did not commit suicide and talk to someone instead for advises. What I'm trying to say here is that, I really wish for anyone, not only those actors and actress, singers and musicians, sportsmen to think twice before deciding to end their life in such a tragic way. Despite all the suffering, all the pain, all the fame, all the depression that they felt they can't longer bear, they do still have someone that would listen. GOD.  Yes. God is always listening. Many of us thought that He won't never answer but He never give us a test that is beyond our strength. He knows a lot. As long as we remain faithful and trust in Him. Nothing can shake us. :)

Not only Christians, I do believe that any other religion in this world taught the same thing. I know, at the very moment when people thought of giving up life, they are at their lowest time of their life too. I know. I've been there. Just to share my experience, well actually, I've thought of it. I suffered inside out. I felt unhappy. Unwanted. Depressed. Pressured. Angry with my self. Lost of self control. and I can't think of anything other than to put the misery to an end. But then I realized, I should seek help for the very last time from one person. God. Honestly, I did pray my heart out. Crying on my bed asking "Why this....Why that..Why me..." I told myself that If my heart is still feeling burden the moment I open my eyes, I just thought that, That's it. It's the end. It has to end. I ended up sleeping though. When I woke up, I felt lighter inside. Slowly I regain hope. And today I just hope everyone at least try to seek for the last hope by giving Him a call. (through prayers)

You see, God never leave us alone. You just have to ask :)

Dear readers, I'm just saying. And sharing. I felt the lost of our dearest actress is quite saddening. I love her in the drama 'Love Love' and she was such a beautiful and talented young woman. May her soul rest in peace.