The price of being a Grade A student. (Not me)

If I were given a second chance to go back to the past and fix mistakes, I would. 

Wouldn't it be nice? I would go back to the time I was at my laziest at school and smack my own head and say, "Go read book and study, silly! I know your future. You ain't going anywhere being lazy like this." Yeah. Maybe then, I would realize. 

For all my life, I always wanted to see the world. Being a Grade A student would've been a good help though. Got to travel on scholarship. Bahaha :P I would've pick overseas university instead of the local ones. Took medic instead of admin, engineering perhaps. *sigh* Was too sleepy during Math & Science class anyway.

Not like I don't appreciate what I am having now. But it would've been nicer to be able to live my young life that way. Learning about other culture, people and food within that period. Cause once you got older, at certain limit, all you can think of is commitment. Work. Family. You just can't feel the passion anymore.

So for those young people, don't give up trying. Give your best. Go out and see the world. If you ain't got money, you got scholarship :P  what you'll get back is EXPERIENCE and fun plus, a degree or a master some more. Go explore.

If you got the passion, but you're too lazy to study make sure you have a body of a model. Perhaps you can try to be an international "flight steward/stewardess" instead. That works too. 

As for me. I have not enough cash. Not a Grade A student. Not even eligible to apply as a flight stewardess too. So.......

Don't live with regrets like me :) Go out and PLAY!

**saying all this after seeing my doctor,childhood friend's photos who is currently living in Ireland :3

Have a nice day! xo

The Story of My Heart Part I

It's 9:25am local time.

I was on my bed thinking and I though that I had to get up and say it out.

As I said it on Twitter, "if you kept it all locked inside, your heart will eventually burst". I am not the kind of person who would easily throw my heart out to someone. Not even my closest friends. Not even to my parents. Not even to my sisters. I just can't because I don't know how to start. And because I joke around a lot, laugh a lot, that I tend to cover everything up with my laughter. Nobody should know.

But really. This is too painful.

I don't know how many times have I cried alone in my room just because it's too painful to think about. Yes. Breaking up isn't easy. And I don't feel like breaking up. I feel like I just got divorced. 10 years is a long year.

It's kinda dramatic when things happen so fast right after we celebrated (literally) our 10th anniversary. It's kinda embarrassing when I bragged about everything in my June 20th's entry. All that I said was true. Just that not everything that we planned happen as we wanted them to happen.

As I sat here, I can't stop but thinking about the first year. Everything was good. I was 18. I was a happy girl that have a wonderful boyfriend. I was young. We were. I never felt so in love. Well of course since he was the first one that I gave my heart to.

Time passed by so fast. People said the 6th and 7th year was the most challenging year in a relationship. I don't know if it's reliable or not but yes, we did had a great argument. As much as he hated me to say her name but "Jacklyn" or "Jacqueline" (which ever spelling her name was) I just can't forget the moment. We had a big fight over that. He just wouldn't talk about it until today. He said they were just friends but she told me a different side of  the story. I was shaken because this is something he shouldn't do the first place.

I felt betrayed. Of course I should. But then she told me. Something that I still can remember clearly in my head. "You can't take care of your man, that is why he is after me". I don't know if I ever told him about this but I felt like someone just stabbed me on the back. I hope it wasn't something that he TOLD her.

What if what she said is true? That  I was a bad girlfriend. But if I WAS a bad girlfriend, do you still think that I would forgive him and go this far?

I have a trust issue. It has become a 'major' issue since that day. I'm sorry but I can't take it twice.

We had a great moments. Great memories. We were the best of friends. We laugh a lot.

But things had gone the opposite now. As much as I wanted to talk more about it, I can't help but thinking that this would be the most boring entry I ever wrote. But

I'll come back with Part II.

July 1st.

I wished for miracles and happiness to happen in July.

What I encountered on July 1st itself was different. Not that I am regretting my decision but it was the best for both. 

I don't want to explain since there's nothing to explain about. Time took care of everything I guess.

I just wanted to remember the day. After for so long. I'm back to 'just me'.

I wish you well. I wish for the best for you in life. 

I wish that we can be friends but.

Let it be this way. Just live well.

Thank you for everything. 

A Tale of Me : Appreciated. Not.

How funny it is to hope for something to happen when in reality it's not going to happen. Maybe it's because I am a Pisces, I tend to dream a lot and I imagine things that I want to happen instead of living  in the reality world. When they said men are from Mars, women are from Venus, they really DID their homework on that. 

I don't think both sexes will EVER be able to understand each other. 

As I stated before, I am just a person who is living my life. If I put it on a graph, you won't see anything interesting. For 10 years, just like my birthdays, my boyfriend and I never celebrated our anniversary together. For 10 years, I only received a flower ONCE during Valentine's Day. On my birthdays as usual, I never got any birthday surprises or even a birthday cake.

Why? I just wonder why.

Am I not allowed to celebrate ANYTHING in my life? 

Is it because I am used to this, my boyfriend thinks that I wouldn't mind if we don't do anything special on a special day? (Or maybe he thought I should get my own cake or something?)

Well,I do mind. I wish someone would appreciate me. I wish for someone to do something special for me. I wish that I can have something that I can say and remember and keep as a memory. 

Am I complaining now? Maybe. I'm just. I don't know.. Not happy perhaps? Not satisfied? Or the world is just being unfair to me?

I lost my self confidence just because I think nobody thinks I'm special. No matter how well I did in my studies, no matter how loyal I've been in my relationship, no matter how many years I've tried to survive. In the end I just felt like the only person who would cheers for me is. ME.

Somehow, I may not win the affections and loves from people around me but it's okay. I can't go telling them to do something for me or even worse to tell them to appreciate me because wo~ho~hoo that is just - insane. 

I bet God listened and understood. I may lost my confidence but I believe He doesn't want me to give up no matter how hard the situation may become in the future. 

Hey, I still have to live for myself right? Nobody appreciates me? It's okay. I have ME.

I'm just saying.

I'm living my life.

This photo was taken by my cousin, Edwin. This is my father's house (well, our home) in Ba' Kelalan. I grew up in Lawas by the way and only visit "kampung" (village) once in a year. My father said it is important to have a big house since we have a very large family. I agree. 

My father obviously worked very hard to build this for us. I'm very proud of him. People keep saying that our house is too big. It is big but I don't think it is big enough for 7 kids plus grandchildren to stay in for school holidays. -___-" We only have 5 bedrooms anyway.

People who knows my father would say " you're lucky. You come from a wealthy family". Most of the time I would just smile as an answer. Why? They don't know. They only see things. They saw our houses. The knew about our properties and all. Trust me. Lawas is too small. So words go around very fast. But still, they don't know. When I was 7, I stayed in hostel just because Kid no 5 and 6 were there to take care of me while my parents went away to work. I never really stayed with my parents during my teenage years. When I went to high school, they sent me to stay in the hostel til I was 17 too. Why? We don't have a car. Bus or van's fee was expensive. Kid no 5 and 6 went to different school. So they need more money. I didn't complain though. At that age, I was happy cos I can spend more time with my friends.

Have I told you that my parents never celebrate my birthday? Well. That's the truth. I didn't care until the day I saw my friend's album. A picture of her (since she was a year old) up to that day, she always have her birthday photos. Memories. That's what I don't have. Then I realized. I'm living a different kind of life. Wealthy family? That's not how I see it. How can a wealthy family can't afford to celebrate birthdays? We're not poor either. We're just living our life. Just living it. 

I felt sad once a while thinking of all the memories I should have. The photos that I never took.

My parents work hard anyway. Birthdays aren't important. I told myself. I may not have the memories but I'm living a good, blessed, simple life, well, that's good enough. Therefore, when people praises our family, I only answer them with a smile. I have nothing to brag about. I have nothing to tell them. 

Today, I've made a promise. For my future children, I'm gonna make sure they'll have a plenty of memories of their childhood and I'm gonna be next to them all the way. Not that my childhood was bad. My parents have their ways, and I'm gonna have my own.

Never Had A Family Photo.

Yes, we never took a family photo. Not during Christmas. Not during Family Day. Definitely not during Father's or Mother's Day.

As I said before, I have a big family. My parents and 6 siblings. All "above" me which means I am the youngest. I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters. As far as I can remember, I hate being the youngest. Especially when you have MORE bosses *than regular youngest child ever had* ordering you around! Kid no.1, Kid no.2, Kid no. 3, Kid no. 4, Kid no. 5, Kid no. 6 and myself is Kid no. 7. This is how I label our self since saying their names are rather confusing :P

Growing up in my family, I really can't remember how is it like. My parents are always busy making money and from what I heard from Kid no. 3 (my sister), I am always left with her since I was a year old. Funny eh? Mom is always not around, dad never bother about anything else except making money to feed his 7 kids. I bet that is why we're not that close as a family. 

As I grow up, Kid no. 1 and 2 (my brothers) were sent off to other town to further their studies. So did most of them. Today, it's pretty awkward for us to talk with each other. I am only close with Kid no. 3 and 5 since they're my sister and Kid no. 6 (brother) since I grew with him. 

The reason why we never had a family photo is unclear. My dad said, it's because it is hard for us to have a family gathering. If 6 of us came home for a certain occasion, 1 might not be able to make it and it would be unfair for that one person. Somehow, the way I see it, even when all of us are at home during Christmas, no one bothers to come up with the 'family photo' session. I mean, I would have told them but who would listen to me? :3

Therefore, what I said is true. We never had a family photo. And I never celebrated my birthday as a child. Never. :)

I don't blame my parents. The money for the birthdays might as well use to buy foods for the whole family and their prayers throughout my childhood means a lot more than all the birthdays I've missed. :)

I just hope one day, we are able to take family photo and hang it on the wall just like every other families.

10th Anniversary And I'm Still Loving You.

Dearest boyfriend,


June 21st is a good day isn't it? :) It marks our 10th year together. I would like to thank you for being the most loyal, wonderful, loving, understanding and caring boyfriend to me!!! Saranghae <3


Dearest Boyfriend, 


For all the years we have spent together as boyfriend/girlfriend, I would be lying if i said it wasn't tiring. You know, when we have to take care of each other. Asking questions everyday. "Have you eaten?" "How's work?" "Did you take your medicines?" "Why did you spend so much on car accessories?" etc I KNOW that's how a relationship suppose to be, but knowing you since I'm 18 up until today was *Pheww! need a LOT of hard work. (Not that I mean you're a hard-to-take-care-of kinda guy) just that adjusting everything to make both sides happy is quite challenging. You know the 1st year I thought our relationship was just going to be MY experiment since I'm only dating Nick Carter in high school :'D and a few of non serious relationship which usually a one sided love. *No. You're wrong. I was the one who dumped them* And did not expect you're gonna stick THIS long! :')


My dearest Boyfriend,


I might be a very silly girlfriend to you. The one with the most rebellious attitude. The one that you just want to forget immediately during our stupid fights. The one you wish you never knew when I got crazy and attack you with harsh words. I have a different versions of expressing myself. I know, you got tired. But I know you won't give up that easy on me. Right? You knew me too well to let all that ruin everything. 


Boyfriend,


You are the second most patient person (after my father) in this world. Whenever I got mad, I got upset, I got depressed and dump it all on you, you would just take it and come back tomorrow with a better mood like it never happen. It pisses me off sometimes, because you make me look bad. (TT..TT) frankly speaking. 
When you did not contact me for a few days (usually when I told you not to) I got scared but I would tell myself  " Take that. That's what you want, and you got it" *I prepared well actually* HAHAHA but I know you always go soft for me right? *I hope I'm right or I'll kill you* :'D Well, I'm just glad you *usually* admit that everything was your fault (EVERYTHING) so relationship is saved. Once again.
The fact that we treated each other like friends might be one of the factors that keeps us together. We fought like friends and it strengthen our relationship more instead of breaking us apart. :)


Dear Boyfriend,


I know we have gone through a lot together. Since our family accepted our relationship well now *after keeping it a secret for 8 years* I think it is about time for us to start a family ;) What about in 2-3 years from now? I think I'm done being single. 


P/S Dearest boyfriend, if you're reading this can you get a little bit romantic sometime? You're pretty lame and lack of skills in making a girl happy. Learn from GD. He's goooood.


And boyfriend, thank you for being my best friend, my right hand and my angel. You're the best boyfriend ever and I wouldn't ask for more from you. Thank you for loving me from the first day we met until today.
Pie, I love you and let's get it going.

Friends : Those who means the world to me.

Friends. Best friends. Good friends. Close friends. New friends. Old friends. Childhood friends. Ex friends. And all kind of friends. 

I am a type of person who love having friends. The more friends i have, the merrier it would be. We have people we can talk to, share with, have fun with, travel with, and do lots of things. There is no reason for us to live alone, right? 

I have some close friends. Some best friends. These type of friends are very close to my heart. Once I love a friend, I will not trade it for anything. A Pisces love for their friends are unconditional i may say. And i believe that. 

One of my best friend in Donna. Someone i knew since I was 13. Yep. We're still friends. In fact, I just saw her yesterday. For me, Donna is someone that I can share a lot of things with. My joy, my pain, my dreams, my secret. I trust her. Up until today.

And I have Jean, who is married now and blessed with a beautiful baby boy, Julian. She's the most open minded, care free person i ever know. There's Lena. The one who got married too and now lived in another city so we seldom meet. Pamela. Is the petite little woman with a very warm, kind and beautiful heart. She's busy lately so we rarely see each other even when we live in the same town. Then, Stephanie. The one and only doctor among us. It's a shame that we only see each other during Christmas sometimes once in two years. She's working in Ireland for more than 5 years now so I can say that she changed a little but still, she's one of the pack. 

When we were 13, we were so crazy about Backstreet Boys. I was Mrs Nick Carter back then (LOL), Pamela was Mrs Howie D, Donna was Mrs AJ, our dear Dr. Stephanie was Mrs Brian Littrell and Maverlyn (a mother of 2) was Mrs Kevin! :D When I recall back all the memories, how priceless was our innocence. We still wish each other "happy birthday" on our dear boys' birthday! Just to remind how silly we were! :D

As we parted after high school, we remain close. Then i met a few new friends. Some of them I met when i was 18. I have a best friend that will always be my best friend which is my current boyfriend. In a few days we will be celebrating our 10th anniversary. 

When i went to university, I made more friends. My first best friend that I treasure is Shelley. She's like a sister to me. For 5 years, she's been the one who went through ups and downs with me. She's a lovely and helpful person. She's everyone best friends. Then comes Rozalia and Angie. We're like sisters. I love them dearly.

Along the way, I met Faizah and Teodora and Shasha in a very unexpected way, we become close. We were classmates but we never get to know each other better before. But now, I believe, we made a bonding that won't be easily break by anything.  ( I can't find Shasha picture)

Since I love my friends, I really wanna wish them well in their life. I wish they can read this and know that I appreciate them for being a part of my life cycle, to be a reason for me to smile and I am thankful for them for reaching out their hands whenever I need someone to hold on to. I love you guys and may we remain friends for eternity.

Don't look back.

I wanted to write about yesterday's incident but i think it is better left unsaid. I mean, i was planning to say something about it but i was too angry and pissed that i just went off to bed just to avoid myself from thinking about it. 

I don't want to think about yesterday. I'm moving forward. Not backward. So, there's no need to look back when there's nothing good to look back at right?

I Love My Girls.

Here's a photo of me and my 3 best friends :) This photo was taken 2 years ago during the BASiS Annual Dinner. Gosh. I miss them! This was one of the most fun night. Us, dressed up in our traditional costumes. What can i say, i am proud to be a Lun Bawang :)